Embracing the Unexpected

I drafted the title of this posting several weeks ago, knowing I'd come back with some content later.  Almost magically, it has! I know when I'm "onto something" when that magical serendipitous feeling emerges. "How did I know this topic would be so profound for me...?"

It scares me, the unexpected, that is.

There's an element of blogging about life (notably my life) that scares me too. Like, what if people who read this judge me or they don't get it...or obviously they didn't get it if they're judging me!  haha! This list could go on.  So instead I've gotten over myself and committed to writing about my life again.

I haven't wanted to. But yet I really have wanted to. It's a long complicated story.  It's a story of the inner dialogue we all have when faced with, well, life. Life in general can be scary. Then rewarding. Then scary. You get the idea here. Mostly it boils down to that I have this desire to share. To share for the sake of having another person say something like "oh, that's cool, I see what you mean, that might help me too!"  I've been attached to perfectionism. Perfecting that I have to know fully all that there is to give to others before I can actually truly embark upon that.  But when will that EVER happen?  So instead the desire is more like "just get that sharing out there in the world and that's a plus if someone appreciates it".

Embracing the unexpected, as a concept is just this. Unexpected events, when embraced, can go/turnout/evolve much better than your wild-child fears imagine. I'm omitting catastrophic loss from this conversation because that's not the type of fear I'm talking about. I'm talking about small fears.  That ledge over there, you know, the one with the good view...are you too afraid of heights to step a bit closer and take it in?  You know that one?  Maybe you're not afraid of heights but it's something else like slaying scary spiders or conquering that fear you have of public speaking. I'm also talking about the other types of common fears: fear of being "found out" you're not as cool/great/nice/attractive/smart as your "image" of people think you are, fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of success. wait...what?

Yes I said fear of success! What exactly does that mean? 

Well, let me tell you. It means you're afraid of being successful because you fear what the success might bring to you, not fearing the actual "success" in and of itself. Surely we all want success, right? But what happens afterwards, with your friends, loved ones, the public (if you're a celebrity or become one)?  I mean, success is daunting.  Let's face it, it's downright scary. Plus with success now there's that reputation to uphold. If you start doing great things that take hard work, courage, and gumption...you know all too well that you're going to have to keep at it, right? You can't let your people/self/fans down! If you're like me you could be thinking "is this the right path though? What if I'm bored by it or change my  mind? or I start to fail after I'm so successful, everyone will be watching!" But yet, who says any of this will happen or matter when you achieve this particular success?  Do you want to give up a possible great thing for fear that your sister Susie will be jealous?! Heck no, and likely she really won't be anyway. What I've learned through embracing unexpected things is, you don't really know till you get there.  Plus, it's not always about getting anywhere. Success is a moment-to-moment journey. Just like life itself.

So we may as well embrace it or we will watch it pass us by. I don't want to look back later with regret over some silly what-if based fears. I also want to catch the view along the way by stepping closer to that scary ledge. Leaning on your loving self, and the love of those in your life, will provide the tools to get there and overcome that pesky fear voice. Just remember it when you hear it and tell it no thank you please step aside (it might even help to imagine yourself in a cape for these moments)!

So anyway, what was this posting about? ...I think I've shared enough for today. Consider the task accomplished.

Waking Up Earlier is Worth It

Ok, so I'm really the last person EVER who would say early rising is worth it.  It's a harrowing experience for me...but I've realized it's only short term.  The last few weeks I've noticed that for the most part, my mind has been stuck in "muck".  Mucky brain, is essentially a state of mind where you are not in tune with your creativity.  You allow distracted thoughts and habits that don't suit you to get in your way; to block access to your real power, expression, and worst of all...satisfaction.  So I've re-established the simplest way I know to un-muck, as it were.

This morning I woke up early, naturally as a result of a bad dream. Normally I'd soothe myself and go back to sleep, even if I have just 20 minutes remaining (damnit!) Nope, not today.  Thoughts were rampant and annoying. Stomach was growling.  Sigh...I decided to just get up, and do some "morning pages".  I don't know if Julia Cameron has trademarked that term, but her guidance to creativity nearly solely focuses on this consistency (among other variety of things...but always morning pages).  Yet here I am, finally absorbing the full intent of her instruction, about 12 years after first ingesting her recommendation! I'm not normally a slow learner, but in this case, I can definitely appreciate the path I took to get here and I'm totally ok with it.

"Morning pages" involve waking up roughly half an hour earlier than you'd normally do so that you can write 3 journal pages of "whatever" comes out.  Since the advent of computer usage and my ability to type fast, I find it more valuable to journal online my morning pages. I have a safe spot that is only viewable by me, so the effect is the same. I can write anything and everything.  It has the effect of a palate cleanser, but on your whole thinking brain. It's simple.  And it's brilliant.

So here's the value I found in "morning pages": mind training.  Yes, mind training.  Still trying to master that one. I definitely think  morning writing is like a meditative version of mind training. I get to bark out all the thoughts that I want, so that the space becomes a clear pathway.  Like right now I'm truly able to see the perspective that is most valuable.  It's present for me.  It's almost too miraculous to believe.  Why write? Why wake up early?

Holy shit,  why don't you? 

Everyone should do this who has blockages in their life. It's truly underestimated in its ability to clear the cobwebs of recycled, useless thought that is human mentality.  Not bad thoughts per se, but not our highest work either. Not our most effective work.  Walking and other basic tasks we perform without "thinking" also required training and practice at one point, so why do we not try more in life to train our thoughts?  It's like we take the default, the mis-guided thoughts in many cases, as-is.  Like that's what we're dealt.  But it's not true. Thought is maleable.  Yes thoughts will come and go seemingly without control, but yet we can decide what to focus on, to stop and linger, to pay attention.  That is the most valuable practice.  the awareness of this ability alone can be earth-shattering.  revolutionary.  Writing down the thoughts in your brain each morning can allow you to better focus on this ability.  True story.

Next time I lay in bed not wanting to rise, let this serve as a reminder.  Do I want to throw off my whole day by gaining just 20 minutes of sleep?  It's such an easy question.

Missed another day...oh well!

Yesterday I didn't get around to patching in here and jotting down a post.
Oh well.

You know, I really put unnecessary pressures on myself sometimes. I appreciate that my intention to write consistently for a 21 day period has kept me more in tune with my writing. I don't think I will be doing it daily, however. Daily writing is a goal, but it's a goal that is totally fine if it causes me to write at least 3 days a week.



Since this post is really about my lack of posting yesterday, I expect to have another more substantive post later today.

Three Days and...done!

I realized my 21 day writing assignment is flawed. For one, currently with a busy weekend schedule, I literally have almost no coherent time to do personal, meaningful writing. Second, creating a habit doesn't mean you do the same thing every single day. It means you set a pattern and stick with it.  Therefore in correction to my desire to create a steady, fulfilling writing regimen, I'm going to take off the pressure on the weekends and only commit to writing Monday through Friday. 

This I know I can do.

Why No Progress?

After perusing through my previous posts, taking stock in how I haven't posted since August, and speaking to a friend about her active blog use, I just can't help but feel like a big fat failure when it comes to my lack of writing in this space.

Maybe this isn't a big deal.

But maybe it is.

I said writing in my blog was important to me, but then I neglected it. I can flog myself about this all day and get nowhere or I can take a closer peek and get some transformation on the topic.

When looking for the perfect image to go along with my sentiment, I was reminded of the adage, "you're not learning if you're not failing". So that means I'm learning, right? That sounds way too generous for the type of "learning" I've been doing lately. Maybe I'm a slow learner? I can also admit that in the grand scheme of my life, failing to devote myself to analytical thought on my 33-year old life by blogging for approximately 2 years is really not that bad of a fail. After all, I have been busy. But isn't everyone? Let's toss out the excuses and get to the growth.

....Back to the learning part. Here's a few things to learn:

• Do what you say you're going to do or you might just be embarrassed (especially when your commitment publicly written like this blog).


• My creativity hasn't had much of an outlet because of my not sticking to this writing. Lesson: Follow your creative heart and don't leave it by the wayside, your soul needs this outlet to thrive, to stay an interested (and interesting) person.


• The importance of discipline can apply to even the things you love. Case in point, I love writing about life, spirituality, and growing as a human being. Yet I let other things crop up in the way and don't do it. Why would I do this? I haven't applied a discipline to it. Routine and commitment to the routine, especially in the early phases, are key. Behavioral experts say it takes 21 days to "lock in" a new habit. Do I need to write at least something each day for at least 21 days? ...ugh, can I? The truth is, I'd love to! So why not try? Life-hack bloggers and self-helpers give all kinds of tips that make logical sense, but I'm just going to keep it simple and choose to do things that nourish me, that I want to do, and make time for them. If I go the detailed "sciency" route I may get too hung up on it and loose my steam (aka: inspiration). Ultimately, this boils down to doing what's recommended by these life "experts" in the end!

If you're out there reading this and you are good at staying inspired to do things in your life that nourish you...please share in comments! If you're like me and you identify yourself as inspired but you don't have a lot of action in this area, please also share your progress, goals, and thoughts on what might work for us!

Defying History

When I look upon my failure to really be a real blogger, which is rolled into following my passion for writing and thoughts on living -- I think "I cannot repeat this history, as it simply doesn't define me." Perhaps it did. Yet it doesn't. Defying history is a matter of not allowing oneself to focus on (or even take an extended peep to) the past. When I focus on the past, thoughts of discouragement arise. My busy schedule makes it tricky to squeeze in "leisure writing". Excuses arise. Self flagellation begins. You may know this drill...

In my experience, the combination plate of self hatred and past re-hashing are a red light to success and feeling empowered.

Instead, what I want is that feeling of actualization you get when you're creating something authentic. At times I know I've stopped because of doubts about authenticity and what it all means. I tend to get wrapped up in -- and then halted by -- over-analysis. Oddly, I know that one of my talents is a knack in synthesizing information. I'm good at digesting and then re-packaging information to suit the need. Yet I've not often let me do this for myself.

Surely there's something in that. A fear of failure. A fear of choosing badly. Regret, maybe? Absolutely. All those statements ring true. A daily reminder of the fact that inaction is itself a failure, worse than having not tried.

I wonder about synthesizing my interests into a focal point. Or perhaps there's a couple focal points. For example, I have a food blog, and then this blog. Neither of which I have (historically) been consistent about updating. Sure there have been times, but nothing long-standing. Nothing that feels authentic. Do I stop myself because I feel torn between these two areas? Or is it more a matter of letting the daily life take over? Methinks yes. Letting life happen around while I will write again...someday. ugh! Seriously, someday is such a horrid word.

To inspire the right path, I'm going to list some things that bring me joy, light my fire, turn up the heat. The focus on the positive authentic love will foster open creativity.

Things that bring on the juice:
synergistic conversation
walks in nature
post-workout endorphin rush
sharing a helping hand
flowing water
the smell of citrus & mint
music that encourages movement (think James Brown)
luscious food
accidental surprises
paint to canvas
present-beingness

Musings on Being Useful

So much has gone on...I've gotten caught up and neglected to commit to an important act that nourishes me, what pleases me. I'm certain I have something useful to share in my writing, but yet, when in the midst, I simply don't commit to doing so.

I’ve done a lot of writing over the last few weeks, just none in this blog. Which, kinda goes against my proclamation several weeks back to really hunker down and post more…So, it’s time to play catch up and take a look at what went wrong the last time I committed to sticking to it. This has me thinking about the things that would be best to hone in on, to share on the blog in other words. I feel like blog posts need to be useful , among other things. No pressure, right? But in all reality, it's not like I have a huge following with people chomping at the bit! So really...its NOT huge pressure!

I think part of my delay is my historical tendency to hold too tightly those things that are dear to me. Heck I even do this with my dog sometimes! But more importantly with the esoteric side of life, I do it by witholding. It's a combination of not doing it justice (as in, I can't possibly put that into words) and I think a fear of losing "what's good" if I open up. I've learned (slowly) that this is a falsehood. No amount of goodness can really be taken from you by sharing it with others, with the world for that matter. In fact, it only expands and inspires.

Duh.

OK, so, my last problem pertaining to this is being wrapped up in being too busy and not putting a schedule together to share the useful thoughts (or thoughts on being useful, as is the case here). In theory, if I make time for it, it will come. Even my "hoarding the goods" tendency can be overcome by my excitement to share something positive.

Pamela Slim May Just Have it Figured Out!

Reading today's post on Pamela Slim's Escape From Cubicle Nation today struck a nerve for me. I venture to say it even struck a chord. A whole chord of nerves. Pam not only speaks to me in my recent endeavor to kick my ass back into regular yoga and exercise practice, but also in her very compelling outline of how getting back on the treadmill (so to speak) is akin to the practices to use while escaping the day job.

Here's what I know. Lucky me, I know I really want to write. But what on earth would that be? I know I enjoy writing creative nonfiction. That is extremely broad. So what do I do? Freeze! Nada. Zilch. Void. So sad...so empty. So not proud of myself!

Her section titled "You aren't crazy if you panic while trying to get started" definitely did the nerve-chord striking on me. Go ahead, follow the link above and read her rockin' article. Basically, she recommends writing "drivel" if that's what it takes to get started. Wow. I never thought of that....

She may just totally have this whole 'picking-one-foot-up-and-putting-it-in-front-of-the-other' thing figured out! Let's hope. I'm committed to trying this.

Anatomy of a Posting

After publishing my post yesterday about my great triumph over fear and self-doubt...I sort of felt like a fraud. Not in the sense that I wrote anything untrue, but I felt I did not give enough credence to the very real self-esteem blow and discomfort my fear-induced inner critic caused me for several days. I also failed to mention that I had no real clue about my own effective recovery process while it was happening. I know I wrote about how my fears did start to take hold and I began to question what was really going on, then I began to challenge the fear by visualizing my own success and keeping my eyes on the prize, as it were...yadda yadda. We all love happy endings, right?

Well, what's really funny is that when I sat down to write that post, I wasn't fully aware even of what had transpired between my fear and me. I knew I felt better...yes, that part was salient for me. Yet when the fingers first hit the keyboard, I assumed I was about to write about how this fear came up for me when I started to dip more of myself into the juice of life. Simple as that. No part of me was really aware of the how and why I actually felt better, more confident, less fearful. Until I started writing about it. Literally, the very construction of that post led me to do the self analysis to see how I'd gone about shutting up the fear monger that lurks.

Innnnnnnnteresting, right? Perhaps not. As an adult, I've always found journaling, any type of writing really, to be instrumental for my thinking processes. To honor my fear abolishing epiphany's true origins, I didn't want that last post to come off like I was this enlightened person who just totally knew how to conquer fear and by golly, I'd set out to do it -- and succeeded! That is absolutely not how it happened. I know now that me responding to my own fears by staying focused on my dreams is what allowed those very fears to shut up and go back to time out where they belong. However, at the time when that was happening, I was not consciously aware of any of this. Through the process of writing that post I allowed myself to understand my own recovery steps and how it happened. Or so I think!

I seem to not have a very full picture of self-awareness until I write. This is perhaps why I crave to write the way I do. Can I get this type of self realization without writing? Should I? Does anyone else experience this?

The universe has started to answer my last question -- Already!

Or so I think...

This posting here on Copyblogger accidentally fell into my lap when perusing Danielle LaPorte's ever-wise, uplifting , and inspirational blog and subsequent twitter site. The Copyblogger posting talks about the motive of one's writing, specifically when blogging and about how it can come from either a self-serving motive or in service of one's audience. Though I don't necessarily see a blog as my end all be all, it's undoubtedly going to provide initial and ongoing value for both me -- and if I'm lucky-- for others. It really makes perfect sense that if you're blogging just to make revenue, the content would wind up diluted, weak, and drab. To this end, being in service of others is actually self-serving, only it's a backwards way of getting there. A difference that makes all the difference in the world.

What's really funny about this find in a without-a-doubt- non-coincidental way, is that the blogger who directed me to this posting on providing valuable content as gifts to your readership...was a blogger who provides this for me. What a perfect circle.

Though this doesn't answer my question entirely about what to focus on, it does give me a motive to live by. I also got to see my question start to be answered much faster than expected....Priceless. I'm learning that you really do get what you ask for.

How to Determine a Creative Path

Living out my professional life for 10 years has brought me to the distinct conslusion about what I enjoy most. Creating with words is where it's at for me. I know I'm not the best at it, and have a ton to learn, but I really feel at my peak-- and most invigorated through the act of writing (and from the finished product).

Yet that leaves me with an important question. Just what is it that I am to write about? I feel like an expert on very few things, and some of which I really don't want to spend time writing about! Yet that begs yet another question (I'm good at the question-thing, can you tell?)...does one have to be an expert to begin to write about something? Perhaps not.

I simply don't have the answer. The title of this post begs an answer. I know I like to write about life and do journaling. I know I do not like to do magazine-style writing, I don't even begin to know what it would be like if there was a novel for me to write -- so what is it to be? Perhaps posing the question to the universe is all that I need to focus on for now.