Lack of Posting, Lack of Commitment?

It's been over two months since I've posted. I've had plenty of things to say, to be sure. I've been entrenched in taking on some small writing projects, which now seem to have temporarily subsided. More importantly though, I've also been mucking around in my own messes in life. Only recently noticing that I haven't been consistently paying attention to me and what energizes me. Fluctuating between living through others and living the day-to-day -- sans much exciting inspiration. yawn...right? When I look at how I see myself, how loved ones see me, it's not a boring person. Yet in many ways, I have been boring lately.

I'm facing a new commitment. A new commitment to pay attention to me. In the past I've felt like a good me is one who is helpful to others and needs to focus on fixing external problems. Yet this has only created an internal problem. A me who isn't present very often. A me who isn't able to actually be effective at giving myself to others...because I'm not me enough. Make sense?

In the spirit of Thanksgiving week, here's a great mood-lifting site to be thankful for: 1000 Awesome Things. I hope they don't stop at 1000.

I'm also thankful for noticing my lack of me-ness, above. I'm thankful that I can wake up and make a new fresh commitment that speaks from the heart, for the heart.

Thoughts on Maitri Experiences (and lack thereof)

Practicing loving kindness towards oneself is an easy practice to forget. The last two weeks I found myself often forgetting this concept entirely and inevitably delved into the self-inflicted pains of blame, self-doubt, and frustration. However, the times I did remember the practice were well worth noting, as evidence to keep this principle alive no matter what. Though many times in life we can find plenty of reasons to not love ourselves (that may look different for each of us, but we all experience it), it ultimately does us no good.

For me, investigating the "why" behind self blame/hatred is reason enough to drop it altogether. As with all non self-kindness activities, it's merely a way to avoid responsibility for whatever it is that is going on in our lives we're associating the contempt. Blame in general acts as a diversion from dealing with reality. Hatred (especially when directed at the self) is a way for one’s ego to avoid attention on the matter at hand and instead focus on the separateness identified with the object (in this context, oneself). So why not turn that around and merely fess up those unappreciated attributes to ourselves instead? Learning from real or imagined self-inflicted dislike is much less painful than reliving such matters. Logically this makes sense, but I’ve found it can also be hard to remember.

In light of the human tendency to conveniently forget what's best for ourselves, I will cut to the chase on the reasons (benefits) to remember to apply the principle of Maitri. When I was able to access self love and kindness in times of pain, what I found was a sense of recognition of choice. When I needed it most, coming back to it was like having the experience of suddenly remembering a wonderful thing that had simply skipped my mind. I remembered the choice that I always have right inside of me to have reality occur differently. In all my moments of recognition, my case against myself was obliterated by the compassion, love, and reason I provided inside of that wonderful memory. When being with loving kindness with myself, I no longer felt agitated, uneasy, or blameful of myself -- or others.

Perhaps flexing this particular memory will work like exercise, as in muscle memory. The more I use it the more I'll remember to use it going forward. What do you find challenging or rewarding about the practice of loving kindness? Please share your thoughts in the Comments.