Embracing the Unexpected

I drafted the title of this posting several weeks ago, knowing I'd come back with some content later.  Almost magically, it has! I know when I'm "onto something" when that magical serendipitous feeling emerges. "How did I know this topic would be so profound for me...?"

It scares me, the unexpected, that is.

There's an element of blogging about life (notably my life) that scares me too. Like, what if people who read this judge me or they don't get it...or obviously they didn't get it if they're judging me!  haha! This list could go on.  So instead I've gotten over myself and committed to writing about my life again.

I haven't wanted to. But yet I really have wanted to. It's a long complicated story.  It's a story of the inner dialogue we all have when faced with, well, life. Life in general can be scary. Then rewarding. Then scary. You get the idea here. Mostly it boils down to that I have this desire to share. To share for the sake of having another person say something like "oh, that's cool, I see what you mean, that might help me too!"  I've been attached to perfectionism. Perfecting that I have to know fully all that there is to give to others before I can actually truly embark upon that.  But when will that EVER happen?  So instead the desire is more like "just get that sharing out there in the world and that's a plus if someone appreciates it".

Embracing the unexpected, as a concept is just this. Unexpected events, when embraced, can go/turnout/evolve much better than your wild-child fears imagine. I'm omitting catastrophic loss from this conversation because that's not the type of fear I'm talking about. I'm talking about small fears.  That ledge over there, you know, the one with the good view...are you too afraid of heights to step a bit closer and take it in?  You know that one?  Maybe you're not afraid of heights but it's something else like slaying scary spiders or conquering that fear you have of public speaking. I'm also talking about the other types of common fears: fear of being "found out" you're not as cool/great/nice/attractive/smart as your "image" of people think you are, fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of success. wait...what?

Yes I said fear of success! What exactly does that mean? 

Well, let me tell you. It means you're afraid of being successful because you fear what the success might bring to you, not fearing the actual "success" in and of itself. Surely we all want success, right? But what happens afterwards, with your friends, loved ones, the public (if you're a celebrity or become one)?  I mean, success is daunting.  Let's face it, it's downright scary. Plus with success now there's that reputation to uphold. If you start doing great things that take hard work, courage, and gumption...you know all too well that you're going to have to keep at it, right? You can't let your people/self/fans down! If you're like me you could be thinking "is this the right path though? What if I'm bored by it or change my  mind? or I start to fail after I'm so successful, everyone will be watching!" But yet, who says any of this will happen or matter when you achieve this particular success?  Do you want to give up a possible great thing for fear that your sister Susie will be jealous?! Heck no, and likely she really won't be anyway. What I've learned through embracing unexpected things is, you don't really know till you get there.  Plus, it's not always about getting anywhere. Success is a moment-to-moment journey. Just like life itself.

So we may as well embrace it or we will watch it pass us by. I don't want to look back later with regret over some silly what-if based fears. I also want to catch the view along the way by stepping closer to that scary ledge. Leaning on your loving self, and the love of those in your life, will provide the tools to get there and overcome that pesky fear voice. Just remember it when you hear it and tell it no thank you please step aside (it might even help to imagine yourself in a cape for these moments)!

So anyway, what was this posting about? ...I think I've shared enough for today. Consider the task accomplished.

Lack of Posting, Lack of Commitment?

It's been over two months since I've posted. I've had plenty of things to say, to be sure. I've been entrenched in taking on some small writing projects, which now seem to have temporarily subsided. More importantly though, I've also been mucking around in my own messes in life. Only recently noticing that I haven't been consistently paying attention to me and what energizes me. Fluctuating between living through others and living the day-to-day -- sans much exciting inspiration. yawn...right? When I look at how I see myself, how loved ones see me, it's not a boring person. Yet in many ways, I have been boring lately.

I'm facing a new commitment. A new commitment to pay attention to me. In the past I've felt like a good me is one who is helpful to others and needs to focus on fixing external problems. Yet this has only created an internal problem. A me who isn't present very often. A me who isn't able to actually be effective at giving myself to others...because I'm not me enough. Make sense?

In the spirit of Thanksgiving week, here's a great mood-lifting site to be thankful for: 1000 Awesome Things. I hope they don't stop at 1000.

I'm also thankful for noticing my lack of me-ness, above. I'm thankful that I can wake up and make a new fresh commitment that speaks from the heart, for the heart.

Anatomy of a Posting

After publishing my post yesterday about my great triumph over fear and self-doubt...I sort of felt like a fraud. Not in the sense that I wrote anything untrue, but I felt I did not give enough credence to the very real self-esteem blow and discomfort my fear-induced inner critic caused me for several days. I also failed to mention that I had no real clue about my own effective recovery process while it was happening. I know I wrote about how my fears did start to take hold and I began to question what was really going on, then I began to challenge the fear by visualizing my own success and keeping my eyes on the prize, as it were...yadda yadda. We all love happy endings, right?

Well, what's really funny is that when I sat down to write that post, I wasn't fully aware even of what had transpired between my fear and me. I knew I felt better...yes, that part was salient for me. Yet when the fingers first hit the keyboard, I assumed I was about to write about how this fear came up for me when I started to dip more of myself into the juice of life. Simple as that. No part of me was really aware of the how and why I actually felt better, more confident, less fearful. Until I started writing about it. Literally, the very construction of that post led me to do the self analysis to see how I'd gone about shutting up the fear monger that lurks.

Innnnnnnnteresting, right? Perhaps not. As an adult, I've always found journaling, any type of writing really, to be instrumental for my thinking processes. To honor my fear abolishing epiphany's true origins, I didn't want that last post to come off like I was this enlightened person who just totally knew how to conquer fear and by golly, I'd set out to do it -- and succeeded! That is absolutely not how it happened. I know now that me responding to my own fears by staying focused on my dreams is what allowed those very fears to shut up and go back to time out where they belong. However, at the time when that was happening, I was not consciously aware of any of this. Through the process of writing that post I allowed myself to understand my own recovery steps and how it happened. Or so I think!

I seem to not have a very full picture of self-awareness until I write. This is perhaps why I crave to write the way I do. Can I get this type of self realization without writing? Should I? Does anyone else experience this?